I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I will be naked everywhere
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
