i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
