Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
