There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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