At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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