When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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