I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
