shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.