life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub