you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
