What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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