i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i used baking grease as lip gloss
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
