I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
