im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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