I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
