Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
