Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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