i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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