someone threw a dead crab at me
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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