You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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