my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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