Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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