his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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