His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
