I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
