My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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