don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Let's get the cat blown out
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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