Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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