I wish I could punch you in the face.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
