Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
