My room smells like vodka and shame
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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