I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
