I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize