If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
