I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
