i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
