I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
