If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
