you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
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i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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