He uses pillows to masturbate.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
