feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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