Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
