You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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