i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
