What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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