my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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