bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
