i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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