Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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