Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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