if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
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My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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