the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Never joke about your clitoris.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
