census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
