Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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