Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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