ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
