Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
